Mahanth S. Joishy is Editor of usindiamonitor

It’s the Sunday afternoon after Christmas and I’m alone today, so I decided to do something dramatically ridiculous and delicious, just for myself, by myself, on this last Sunday of Anno Domini 2014.  Figured I may as well be naughty doing it, and I wanted to reward myself for recently losing a lot of weight through disciplined eating habits.  And, why not make it Indo-American fusion?

I have never done crack but I have heard that it’s addictive.  So, I wanted to make something so nasty tasty that it would get even a crack addict off crack, and addicted to this new dish instead.  I wanted the dish I was planning to make to at once be so novel, stupid, unhealthy, and over the top for this special occasion.  The type of dish that makes women swoon, and men drool, in an endless but cool loop of swoon and drool, in just the right serving sizes.  But above all, it would have to taste so good that it would clearly be seen as an instant classic, a once-a-year type of treat.  Ladies and gentlemen, I propose to you, Food Porn Pasta Sauce- creamy variety.  

Please note that with this recipe, as with everything I cook, the portions will be eyeballed; I strictly and categorically DO NOT believe in measuring, especially in a recipe like this that nobody has ever made before until this very day.  And there will be some Indian flavor involved.

I am quite fearless in the kitchen so I knew in my mind’s eye, before having cooked anything that will remotely look like this sauce, that it would be a winner.  I was thinking about this as I went to the grocery store, and the saliva quite nearly fell out of my mouth in Aisle 3.

I like to cook.  In fact, I recently made what I consider to be a superior Indo-Chinese fusion meal- the type of Chinese food that you get in India when you go out to restaurants. It is neither Indian nor Chinese, but more like a delicious “Chindian love-child” which looks a little bit like both.  Pictured here, is some gobi manchurian (dry version), hakka noodles, and sweet and sour cabbage and peas that I put together for friends at Christmas dinner next to a roaring fire on one side and a majestic Christmas tree on the other.  I don’t think it’s easy to surpass this affair at all- but decided to try just a few days later.

While the dish I am describing below is vegetarian, it packs enough cholesterol and fat to take down a small elephant.  If I were eating meat frequently, and if you do, bacon bits would make a lot of sense too.  Heart patients, do not try this at home.

Ingredients (L to R, in order of the photo):

Garam masala, red chili flakes, whole black peppercorn mill, sea salt, coconut oil, cream cheese, Jarlsberg cheese, Cabernet Sauvignon wine, fresh garlic, fresh green chili, half & half, parmesan cheese, shredded 5 cheese blend (mozzarella, provolone, romano, asiago, and more parm), Pinot Grigio wine, butter, large rigatoni (to hold lots of sauce), tzatziki sauce, mayonnaise (somehow I felt better by not getting light mayo), fresh cilantro, pasta sauce, and sour cream.

Method:

Sautee all of the above (except pasta) together in whatever amounts you want.  I started out with the chopped chili and garlic, tons of crushed red chili flakes and a small spoonful of garam masala, with oil and butter in liberal amounts using medium high heat.  Next I deglazed with some of the wines when things were starting to stick, and then folded in the dairy items slowly and steadily till the sauce became a thick and well-blended delight at medium to medium low heat, stirring very often.  Make sure the cheeses are grated. Just about everything will burn if you do not stir constantly and vigorously.  At this time I put in just a few spoonfuls of red tomato pasta sauce.  I threw in a small bunch of the cilantro leaves, finely chopped at the end as garnish and another cutting flavor.  The whole thing should take less than half an hour.  Salt and pepper it up to taste.  You’ll know it’s done when the substantial amount of fat in the pan keeps wanting to separate.

Boil pasta according to the box directions in a separate pot.  I like mine on the al dente side, especially when the sauce is piping hot and just waiting to fill up those little tube holes and rigatoni ridges.  Keep the sauce on medium low heat until ready to serve- or it will get clumpy on you.

Allow me to give you my thinking. I was looking for a base heavy on everything dairy.  Of course there’s some respect given to the cooking of France and Italy.  If an old guy named Pierre Michel-Richard brought this to you in a fondue pot at a Chalet in the French Alps after a day of skiing and a night of drinking, you probably wouldn’t even blink twice.  And I’d never before folded together such an ill-advised all-star dairy medley in a hot sautee pan but knew in my soul, this could not possibly go wrong, and if it was wrong, then well I don’t want to be right.  Cream cheese, sour cream, mayo, butter, half & half, 6 kinds of cheese, and sour cream.  I decided to add coconut oil to the mix, just to be a real asshole, with a nod to an Indian tropical twist.  I decided this fatty delight would need cutting, so I added just a bit of tomato, aromatics, and spices.  And in this endeavor, I turned to the old Indian favorites like garam masala, garlic, chilies, red chili flakes, peppercorn, and fresh cilantro/coriander.  I decided to throw in some red and white wine both to be naughty, and to deglaze the pan early on.

The rest is pretty much history. It is appropriate that I made this food porn pasta sauce- creamy variety, alone, and ate it alone. Things were getting way too hot around here.  And heavy- I could barely finish a small bowl.  But thanks to the Internet I can share these private moments here, with you. 😉