Mahanth S. Joishy is Editor. *Please note: this article is only half satire.*

If you want a quick primer on simulation theory I’d recommend this Scientific American article.

Do we live in a simulation?

This loaded question is hot right now. No debate raging in modern times is more multidimensional than this one encompassing physics, artificial intelligence, philosophy, religion, astronomy, biology, mathematics, computer science, psychology, pop culture, ethics, spirituality, and other disciplines. The vortex of this global conversation has sucked in intellectuals like astrophysicist Neil DeGrasse Tyson and sci-fi blockbusters like The Matrix alike. With our current levels of collective knowledge, humans have yet to definitively prove or disprove what amounts to a loosely defined hypothesis but strong feelings abound on both sides.

In my own personal journey of contemplating the question I have focused on spirituality, and the answer seems painfully obvious. Of course we are in a simulation. The implications are both comforting and terrifying at the same time, depending on one’s mood. OK, so where is the proof? Thankfully we can bypass all of the rigorous academic disciplines listed above, the PhDs, books, mathematical equations and peer-reviewed journal articles comparing “parous” and “nulliparous” realities. The answer is right before our eyes that we live in a humorous and cruel simulation; embodying it is a guy named Donald Trump, that name I won’t repeat again below.

Although I initially came to this conclusion to maintain some semblance of sanity in a chaotic world, collating the evidence opens a set of doors to profound new worlds. So my case is methodically laid out below exhibit by exhibit, so you may judge for yourself.

EXHIBIT A: PERFECTION SUSPICION. The wannabe dictator not as human but as phenomenon is perfect. Perfectly perfect. Too perfect. Perfectly wrong. But accepting this presents a conundrum. We learn early on in life that there’s no such thing as perfection. Nobody is perfect. Our faces and bodies are not perfectly symmetrical. Life isn’t fair. The rules of gravity or the speed of light seemed ironclad and universal until we started comprehending black holes, where the laws of physics mysteriously go to die. Some argue that God is perfect, but we are unable to even agree if God is real and among those who do, there is no consensus on what God is.

Unexpectedly here in the realm of mortals we find a version of pure perfection. Indicted Individual #1 more perfectly embodies all the worst things about America ever to be rolled into one fat package than any other American. He is a perfectly designed and constructed traitor, fool, clown, conman, cheat, phony, crook, cynic, megalomaniac, scoundrel, thief, rapist, goon, grifter, racist, misogynist, liar, rogue, sexist, charlatan, miser, carnival barker, thug, egomaniac, sociopath, sexual deviant, loudmouth, fascist, and all-around selfish bastard. Because he is a public figure all of this behavior is thoroughly documented and not in doubt. Those labels and more still aren’t nearly adequate to describe just how astoundingly poor this man’s character is. In particular getting away with so much crime with impunity for so many decades including against the United States of America itself while he was supposed to be its leader does not even make sense, unless we ditch our political way of thinking for the philosophical and question the very nature of our reality. For those who believe in the occult realm, words like vampire, demon, monster, or Hinduism’s rakshas might do justice to the clear and present danger. But it gets much worse.

EXHIBIT B: RISE TO LEADERSHIP. There are plenty of evil men out there, and some roam free in society to wage mayhem. But none of those are involved in such high stakes. None ever managed to weasel their way into the highest, most powerful political office on the planet. This weasel was the worst president in US history, and he still has the chance to outdo himself with a second term. The tragedy is that most voters well knew exactly what he was before he was elected to the White House, and he somehow still managed to eke out a win in 2016 anyway. This feat was not only improbable but physically impossible unless there was an invisible glitch in the universe. The Access Hollywood “Grabbing them by the Pussy” recording that dropped just weeks before election day would have derailed every single presidential campaign ever to then, and should have in this case- unless this is all a simulation as proven by so suspiciously perfect a scenario.

The phenomenon is only noteworthy because unlike the average foul-mouthed senile curmudgeon up the street, millions of Americans are mesmerized by the gibberish of word salad spouting off at rallies and debates. The MAGA cult behind this immense power is like an army of brain-dead zombies, with some of the ranks of its infected being decent and smart upright citizens in all other facets of life outside the cult, which is the grandest tragedy of all. I am not sure what they expected from this eminently unqualified buffoon. Once he got in office he failed in every imaginable aspect of management and leadership, doing more damage to the republic, accidentally or on purpose, than any past or present enemy of the state domestic or foreign could dream of. In just one illustrative example, far more Americans were killed in far less time by the grotesque abdication of responsibility, idiocy, and stunning incompetence of The Orangutan and his goon squad during the COVID-19 pandemic than any US war including the Civil War, even with trillions in funds at the federal government’s disposal toward any president’s most solemn duty, to keep Americans safe from harm.

Throughout this agonizing era when the virus spread buck-wild and bodies piled up across America, the Commander-in-Chief chose to divide the nation rather than lead it, more interested in avoiding blame for political reasons than working hard to guide, comfort, or heal a scared, wounded nation. Ironically if the administration had managed to control the virus, he would be serving out his second term today. There is a sea of blood on his hands and he left office with the mess still propagating for his successor Biden to clean up. The most heavily protected man in the world with the best 24/7 medical care possible was not only infected during a preventable White House outbreak due to stubbornly flouting expert guidance at public gatherings, but fought for his life against COVID-19 for days in the hospital. Of course this outbreak was stained further by cover-up and refusing to contact trace. What more do we need to know about his carelessness in handling the most serious US national emergency of a generation?

EXHIBIT C: AN IGNOMINIOUS END. I have long held that January 6th was a worse national security failure than 9/11. The damage to America from that day will endure for decades like a cancer. It boggles the mind that the president was behind the well-organized plot to harm or kill US government police officers, the sitting US Vice President, the sitting Speaker of the House, and other members of Congress rather than guarding against it. Never before has the United States confronted a terrorist attack on the homeland secretly organized by one branch of government plotting against another, all in service of a lie to illegally stay in power by violating the sacred institution of elections and eroding faith in democracy in favor of dictatorship. Tellingly, the leader of the violent insurrection cheered it on from a secure indoor location and refused to lift a finger to stop it until it was too late and people had died. Of course this cold-blooded, treasonous coward has never expressed remorse, because the death of members of the MAGA cult following his orders or police officers protecting the US Capitol mean as little to him as the feelings of the women he has sexually assaulted. Staying in power trumps all else for this unpatriotic fiend, and it’s not over.

EXHIBIT D: THE NIGHTMARE CONTINUES. That the man continues to walk free after the mountain of high crimes just in recent memory is a frontal assault on the rule of law. Forget that he should have been removed from office by impeachment on January 7 but GOP politicians are too spineless and morally bankrupt, held hostage by the MAGA mafia. That he is allowed to run for any political office in the land, even local school board, let alone president while openly refusing to accept election results he doesn’t like makes a mockery of the institutions of the US government that are supposed to serve as the guardrails of democracy. That he has locked down the Republican nomination by cakewalk and has any realistic chance of winning the general election in November 2024 is a scathing indictment of the American people, disproportionately animated by fear and anger. Anyone even vaguely familiar with the January 6th Committee hearings or the 4 federal indictments and 91 criminal counts by the DOJ would recognize the urgent need to disqualify this man from all public life. It is too obvious that many laws were clearly broken, some of them out in the open. This saga proves that our justice system is clearly broken, as the legal maneuvers of the rich delay and drag out the trials that should have been completed already judging by the importance to national security. No crime or misdemeanor seems high enough to halt the morally bankrupt MAGA zombie army marching on behind their messiah, unbothered. There is a real chance that he will become president again, and the national nightmare could get even worse. What a perfectly cruel way to end the American story as we know it.

EXHIBIT E: CENTRAL CASTING. You could not make this up if you tried. The man is perfectly unfit for the rigorous office not only mentally but also physically. His mental state is reflected in his bizarre appearance. His unpleasant, sneering and scowling demeanor does not compute for someone millions of people admire or desire to represent them in world affairs. His ridiculous hairstyle is well-deserving of parody, unnatural in both shape and color, entirely by procedures and protocols of his choice. His ugly wrinkled face is caked by a crusty mask of makeup and artificial tanning in desperate attempt to cover up however he really looks, which we may never know (though he looks down on darker skinned people). His suits and ties are oddly ill-fitting. To top it off he is obese and according to a large number of sources, he often smells bad. In other words, one could not configure a more buffoonish cartoon villain to visually represent the wrecking ball that is threatening to end American democracy as we know it. But it’s not just him. The man does not act alone. The cast of characters and hangers-on around him are absolutely terrible human beings as one might expect, straight out of central casting, starting inside out with his immediate family who together, make up the unquestioned worst first family in US history.

EXHIBIT F: THE LIMP OPPOSITION. None of this would have happened if the United States were a more informed, robust and resilient democracy, because in this simulation the orange menace needed plenty of help to attain power. So much had to go wrong and all of it did. Everything seems to line up perfectly for the tragedy to unfold when central casting casts a wide net. Even worse than the gang who couldn’t shoot straight hovering around him is the pathetic political and legal opposition that America, a diverse nation of 336,000 individuals, has thrown in his way. The Republican primary challengers in 2016 and 2024 were so weak and uninspiring, and the electorate so badly infected, that the MAGAt easily bulldozed over those also-rans. Democrats have no reason to celebrate. In 2016 Hillary Clinton’s campaign lacked the wit, imagination, data analysis, and organizational acumen to get out of its own way when the orange monster came at them dirty.

The Clinton team failed to hold rallies in key battleground states like Wisconsin, thinking these previously blue states were already in the bag. Hillary Clinton never put to rest her email scandal for month after agonizing month with a simple and credible explanation to cut through the swirling disinformation. To this day I still don’t understand the accusations or her answers, and it cost her many votes. Clinton also surrounded herself with deviant idiots like Anthony Weiner, whose laptop probably cost her the 2016 election above all other missteps according to polling toward the end- though the computer turned up nothing nefarious. On cue, FBI Director Jim Comey took the opening and stuck his thumb on the scale by publicizing the laptop investigation (and himself) while hiding from the public mounting and credible evidence of Russian election collusion on behalf of the Republican candidate the FBI was digging into. The fatal Clinton overconfidence extended to gaffes like “basket of deplorables”, and Bill Clinton meeting Attorney General Lynch at the dumbest possible moment, forcing Lynch to recuse herself from the Clinton investigation so the conservative Comey could go wild. Some of this chain of events was horrendous luck but all of it was par for the course in the trend of weak and disorganized Hillary Clinton presidential campaigning started in 2007, when she should have easily defeated Obama in the primary with all the Democratic party power and big money in her corner at the outset, and picked him up as her VP. In that dreamscape it might have been Obama defeating The Apprentice in 2016. All the more is the tragedy for America since then as Clinton would have been much more competent at governing during a COVID-19 in an alternate universe, if not at campaigning.

Along the way the attempt to cover up Russian collusion began in earnest and the investigations were ultimately squashed prematurely despite more than enough evidence of treason. Jim Comey was summarily fired for not taking corrupt orders, a figure for whom I have zero sympathy, but that sequence was an opening shot against democracy. Special Counsel Robert Mueller tantalized us and failed us in stopping the growing menace, unable or unwilling to remove Bill Barr’s muzzle. Multiple well-deserved impeachment trials, though initiated too slowly, too late and poorly executed poorly, were derailed by a wholesale corrupt GOP who decided to put party above country, crime above the law, and autocracy above democracy. And thus were America’s institutions rendered impotent in staying the devil’s hand.

Credit the Biden/Harris ticket for winning an important race in 2020, renewing our faith in democracy, and patiently enduring the tense drama of the transition period and disgusting insurrection that tore the nation apart. I personally believe he has been a steady hand, if not stellar president during a time of turmoil. But 2024 is a different beast, and the fact that Joe Biden stubbornly refuses to step down and insists on running again against all common sense, the liberal base, and polling numbers proves the simulation theory decisively once and for all. If that’s not enough, what could possibly scream simulation more than swapping out the sordid role of Anthony Weiner with the troubled son Hunter Biden for another fake laptop nightmare stalking another Democratic presidential campaign years later in a bad rerun show? The President has an exemplary record of integrity and public service, including as Vice President and longtime Senator. That does not alter the harsh reality that he is more ripe for defeat than last time when he played the challenger during a poorly managed and raging pandemic rather than the unpopular incumbent who most Americans are seriously concerned is already too unfit for the job mentally and physically as the oldest president in US history. His age is clearly showing and it is hurting his chances by the day. While Biden must govern the country at a time of heavy downside risk while simultaneously running the campaign of his life, his over-tanned opponent can spend all his time taking potshots and lathering up his base at rallies without any real responsibilities.

Biden’s lack of flexibility on the issue is worrisome. The right thing to do, and it’s not too late, is to step aside and allow the Young Turks from the ranks of Democrats duke it out for the nomination until the DNC convention. This would energize the progressive base and increase Democrats’ odds for victory, absent unexpected events. Biden should leave on a good note while he still can and retire proudly after his many years in Washington’s halls of power, spend more time with his grandkids, and hand the reins off to the next generation of progressive leadership. Otherwise Biden risks being remembered by history for his stubborn ego and senility at the very end that cost the country dearly. I would not say this if the polls indicated Biden was cruising to a win in November as I’m comfortable with Kamala Harris taking over if an aging Biden needed to retire in the next four years. But there is no possible interpretation of the polling that projects an easy win for the Biden/Harris ticket.

Instead of the US politics being within the domain of the sane, we must be stuck in a wacky simulation where the only two available options are two extremely unpopular aging white men significantly slower than four years ago both stumbling around engaging in verbal diarrhea, probably headed for an agonizingly low-energy collision of the geriatrics this fall to determine the presidency instead of both of them stepping aside to allow someone better and younger to take their spots in the race. Thank hubris for this sad state of affairs. After years in the spotlight, there is not much left to learn about these two; everyone already knows how they would govern in the Oval Office, and neither inspires much excitement among the moderate voters who will decide the election. One or more third party candidates may threaten to upend the race, though with no real prospect at winning beyond playing the role of spoiler to satisfy their ego. So with the battle lines drawn this could be the most boring, least enthusiastic, most lackluster and lowest turnout presidential campaign year of our lifetimes, hardly befitting the world’s leading democracy operating in a perilous world, overseas friend and foe waiting and watching the long horror movie just like we all are.

Most importantly, these conditions are dangerously favorable for a repeat of the surprising 2016 result we Americans seem incapable of waking up from, with democracy once again on the line from the enemy within of all places. The January 6 coup attempt was the closest we came to autocracy in US history. On that day, Fortress America shook but held firm, the insurrectionist coup failed, and the peaceful transition of power finally took place weeks later on schedule. What comes next sure beats me. November is a long way off. The American people are behaving real funny, energized by a cozy echo chamber of biased lies and half-truths powered by algorithms and profit. A close race with razor thin margins in key battleground states is likely. Biden may win; Biden may lose. He can still drop out of the race as some allies are imploring him to do, but there are no signs of him even considering it. No matter what happens, my argument on behalf of simulation does not change.

For those among you who are my fellow Americans: never forget autocracy is the default setting of human governance, not democracy. Democracy is harder. As goes America, so goes the rest of the world and the future of democracy. Instead of being upset about the grim possibility, I have been looking at the situation from a different angle in order to feel better, from a more spiritual point of view. I don’t follow US politics much anymore, as as those days of taking a daily swim in the giant sewer were unbearable. I am trying to make peace in belief that America’s karma will determine its fate, and that’s another complicated conversation. We just browsed through a massive dossier of evidence that this is all a simulation. The Washington, DC power grab is otherwise too insane to process unless we are in the Matrix- isn’t it?