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Why Was Hasan Minhaj BANNED from #HowdyModi in Houston?

In a bizarre twist of events, Hasan Minhaj was actually featured on the Jumbotron at the #HowdyModi rally in Houston last week attended by Prime Minister Narendra Modi, President Trump, and numerous other dignitaries… but physically banned from attending the Indian-American love fest at NRG stadium. How did this gross injustice occur?

Because Minhaj had criticized Modi on his show previously. Find out more from this hilarious video clip on the Seth Meyers Late Night show. The organizers of this event were clearly petty and small people. At least Seth Meyers gave the man some love- and didn’t leave him out of the studio. Much better venue anyway!

MoNa Ki Baat: Cash Ka Kasht. Bundles of Black Hidden, DeMo Happened. What Now?

1000-indian-rupee-note-front

EDITOR’S NOTE:

About MoNa:

I am a real human.  I live in India.  I love India and Narendra Modi (NaMo) for his vision for a clean, developed and economically vibrant India. I also love beef, pork, sex, drugs, alcohol, gambling and rock’ n roll (in no specific order).

MoNa will now take your questions!!!  Today, we have the second-ever installment of the MoNa series known as MoNa Ki Baat.  Stay tuned for more from MoNa in the near future.

***

Dear MoNa,

My late grandfather, who started my family’s business over 60 years ago, said to never show our net worth publicly, or we would be bankrupted.  So, in spite of being able to afford to drive a new BMW every year, I choose to ride a scooter around town. Myself and my cousins all work in the family business of jewellery and we are well known in our temple town. We never cheat a paying customer out of the goods purchased and our gold is the purest in a 50 KM radius. God has been kind, Gold has been Gold and our family business has flourished.

Like many, our store deals in mostly cash.  Nearly all customers pay in cash. Separately, we must pay government officials, the local Hindu temple, and an assortment of cops and “goondas” for permits, licenses, delivery rights, physical bodily protection, smooth flow of utilities, and to avoid sham investigations and inspections into our property. In fact, I have retained a broker on staff whose job is to handle these negotiations and payments, along with debt collections.  You may not be surprised to hear, he is a non-vegetarian and also black belt in karate and Silambam.

DeMo has come as a shock to the family. Our family dark room contains briefcases full of cash and an assortment of other valuables.  One of the reasons we have survived in business so long is by hiding our stockpiles of cash from the bankers, who are all sharing the bed with politicians, bureaucrats, and the assortment of cops and “goondas” in my town who would expect my payments to increase to unsustainable levels beyond the legal taxes.

B.Com is not preparing us for this!  Please provide the needful guidance, whatever you think is best.

– Satya Satyanarayanan, Undisclosed location, SOUTH INDIA

***

Dear Satya,

Your dad should have named you Suppandi. You have done everything wrong other than being in the business of Gold, but, since that was your grandfather’s doing, you can’t even take credit for that, Suppandi.

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via Tinkleonline.com

Here’s what you do –

  1. Throw a party with non-vegetarian food, dancing girls and alcohol – invite the assortment of goondas, bureaucrats, cops, politicians and bankers from your town. You will be surprised at the solutions that will emerge in the presence of permissive girls and alcohol. Your current problems will vanish and your business will flourish to greater heights than your grandfather ever dreamed of. Word of caution though – keep away from taking too many loans from your new found banker friends. I will connect you with my friend Vijay Mallya for advice on how to navigate that maze whenever you feel overwhelmed.

  2. Once your new found friends get you out of your current pickle, change your lifestyle. Buy things, get girlfriends, make assorted chinna veedus, go on foreign vacations and spend your money. You might be right about not spending on that BMW, though. Dipa Karmakar can vouch for the parking and driving problems with a 5 series in small towns

  3. If all else fails, have your Silambam fellow secretly take photos and videos at the parties, using great precautions to keep the camera hidden, so that your “black” problem can conveniently become someone else’s “black-mail” problem.

Word of caution on your new life and a new set of creatures you will see called MBAs who will try to sell you on a concept called “cashless”. Make them believe that you are in awe of their brilliance and maybe even invest in their businesses which they call “fintech”. But, you keep your business the way it is. You can tell who your real friends, customers and associates are when they say – “Cash only, please”. Your real real friends will say – “US Dollars or Swiss Francs only, please”.

All the best, my dear Suppandi. I am available for that party and will collect my attendance fee in gold only, please.  The hidden cameras are only active up until I arrive, fashionably late of course. 😉

—MoNa

The Obama-Modi Hotline Goes Live

This comic and others can be found on cool Indian satire site unrealtimes.com

This comic and others can be found on cool Indian satire site unrealtimes.com

Mahanth S. Joishy is Editor of usindiamonitor

As was widely reported in Indian media in recent weeks, a “hotline” or 24/7 secure line of telephone communication has been operationally inaugurated between President Obama and Prime Minister Modi.  “This is a secure line between two very, very close partners so that they can exchange views at the heads of state level…exchange views and co-ordinate approaches to solving real problems,” said Peter Lavoy, Senior Director for South Asian Affairs at the US National Security Council, to the Times of India.

On the face of it, this might not seem like such a big deal.  Obama and Modi, thanks to their undeniably strong personal rapport, could already find a way to reach one another on the phone if they really urgently wanted to prior to the hotline.  They’ve met personally twice already, and will be doing so again in New York later this month when Modi comes back to the United States for the UN General Assembly and to address the powerful brown community in Silicon Valley.

However, a hotline denotes several advances.  First of all is prestige.  It symbolically represents the two nations coming closer together, for India has never had a head of state hotline with any other country before, while only three other nations- China, Russia, and Great Britain- have a hotline to the president.  In the cases of China and Russia, the hotlines clearly exist to diffuse a suddenly emerging crisis, such as nuclear conflagration or quite possibly World War III.  Meanwhile the US has a hotline with UK because they are publicly acknowledged best friends.  The Obama-Modi hotline seems to be closer in scope to the latter than the former- though crisis mode is never far when it comes to South Asia.  We can now expect more frequent contact between the two leaders and their national security staff.   This can only be a good thing, and should be seen as a welcome gesture after a long history of mistrust between the two countries.

Long Battle Ahead: US-India Defense Cooperation

I'll trade you my spaghetti  for some of your chicken curry, deal?

I’ll trade you my spaghetti for some of your chicken curry at 1900 hours; deal?

We live in a world that feels like it’s swirling in conflicts or emerging ones.  As usual the United States as the sole military superpower is forced into the lonely role of security guarantor of last resort.  If Russia were to over-run Ukraine, ISIS to over-run Iraq, Ebola to over-run any teetering West African regime, or China to make a move on Japan, the United States would likely step in, if reluctantly.  The threat of US force is still a powerful deterrent around the world.

Very much to the contrary, India is quiet when it comes to global conflicts.  This is not just a question of desire, but also capability.  India’s military is relatively unsuited for power projection and cannot operate effectively beyond South Asia.  The nation’s homeland defenses are unacceptably vulnerable themselves.  Just 10 determined men from Pakistan boated right over and brought Mumbai, India’s commercial capital, to a near standstill in 2008.  Not much has changed since then. Read the rest of this entry

Sunday Masala 9/14/14: This Week in US-India Relations

Photo Courtesy India Defense Research Wing

Courtesy India Defense Research Wing

Sunday Masala is a unique resource, and the only one you will need to stay well-informed of the fast moving, always interesting action in US-India relations.  We added a traffic light image to show if developments are positive (green), negative (red), or yellow (unknown) for the relationship.  So what is going on right now?  Turns out, there is plenty going on, much of it involving third parties such as Al-Qaeda (pictured, left). Read the rest of this entry

ANALYSIS: US-India Relations Under P.M. Modi

"You don't need a gym.  Pull water out of your well, then repeat for 30 mins."

“You don’t need a gym. Pull water out of your well, then repeat for 30 mins.”

Congratulations to Narendra Modi and the BJP on winning the largest democratic election in human history.  And what style.  Modi won by a roaring landslide, fair and square. A listless Rahul Gandhi, the Congress Party, and all other comers were obliterated in 2014, quite possibly breaking the Nehru/Gandhi dynasty’s iron grip on national politics for good after 70 years and four generations- although many Indians believe that talk of the dynasty’s demise is premature.

The BJP arrives to power with an unquestionable mandate from the people of India.  Now comes the hard work of governing the world’s largest democracy, and among the messiest ones at that.  Today we are going to contemplate what may come from this historic moment while Modi takes the helm of India’s gigantic bureaucracy, including the halls and apparatchiks of a foreign ministry that will be spending much of its time working with and against the United States.

As my grandmother often said, we are knee-deep in the Kali Yuga, or age of destruction.  We live in Summer 2014, a moment in time when it feels as if things are falling apart all around the globe.  The world will be watching to see what happens with India’s latest experiments with truth, not least because India is a rising power in an uncertain terrain. Read the rest of this entry

COMIC: MODI & COLUMBUS

Comic 8

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