Time to get Cozy, Bear Life as a Russian Vassal State
Can you grin and bear it?
The debate about whether Russia is running the Pervert Orangutan White House Reality Show Zoo along with the entire Gutless Orwellian Party (GOP) from top to tail is entirely moot. It’s over. Done. The takeover is complete. There’s nothing to debate, for anyone with half the IQ of a fancy bear. Which apparently is not too many of us. Our dumb, misinformed, and uneducated asses have been ripe for a rapacious takeover for a while now, and the descent towards authoritarianism shockingly took as long as 242 years before we exchanged the Tory Loyalists of King George III for the Trump #MAGAts of Comrade Putin I. And if we are to be the least bit honest with ourselves, the only real questions ever were whether Russia or China took us over first, and how long that would take- for all that needed doing was easily exploiting above all our glaring inability to protect ourselves in the cyber arena. Because, you know, we isn’t don’t be so good at math and computer stuff, and stuff, or even English, and we sure as hell wouldn’t allow enough Asian immigrants into the country in time to save ourselves. Thanks, decades of retrograde anti-immigrant GOP! Enjoy your gulags of borscht, #MAGAts.
We are at least fortunate that the suspense is finally over. The answers to the takeover race questions are: Winner/2016/Russia. It’s all because to most Americans, science, technology engineering, & math (STEM) are as foreign a concept as shitting into a latrine hole in the ground in the sticks of Djibouti while pirates stand around and watch. We are inured to the realities of the outside world, foolishly thinking that an excessive, clumsy, and creaky 20th century military machine of nukes, ships, tanks, jets, drones, helos, and broken toy soldiers were going to forever protect us when foreign countries’ bad hombres actively lurk in our social media, emails, power grids, military systems, corporate servers, and political party infrastructure in a dystopian tentacle porn equivalent of ass rape. America is super well prepared to fight the next great war using 1973 technology, and decimate all comers! Thanks so much, GOP! Gracias for the trillions of dollars in debt-exploding defense spending, eroding our privacy and freedom, bogging us down in Afghanistan and surrounding countries into year 17 with no mission, no plan, and no end in sight. All the while remaining highly vulnerable to penetration by hostile countries and terrorists while screaming about Muslims. Because, America!
Let’s please accept the truth. It’s not “no collusion” and “no puppet” but “so collusion” and “so puppet.” Putin and his boys have brilliantly outFoxed America at every turn, and a part of me actually admires the masterful nature of the hostile takeover by our Comrades to the East to turn America into a vassal state so quickly, without a single shot fired. In fact, if we accept what has happened, we may even be able to do pretty well for ourselves in the new authoritarian reality show. The playbook that was used needs to be studied carefully, which is what we’re doing here today. And those of us who want to move up in the world, should start learning Russian, PONIMAYU?
All indications point to how refreshingly simple this all ended up being. Hack into the Democratic Party and the emails of the Hillary campaign, which was easy as pie. These center-left, filthy rich establishment clowns who ran a $1B campaign somehow couldn’t figure out how to secure their all-important campaign data or for that matter avoid a shockingly brain-dead email controversy the absence of which, President Hillary would be lecturing us in monotone on our screens right now about wildebeest feedstocks in Madagascar, and Manafort would be walking free, roaming the earth, laundering money and dry cleaning $15,000 ostrich haberdashery, unfettered.
Then again, at least 80 million unwitting American Facebook users such as myself had our data stolen and given to the Trump campaign without having done anything wrong. All the various stolen data-emails, files, voicemails, facebook histories- is worth more than its weight in Bitcoin. Now the Russians and WikiLeaks, along with their rotten #MAGAt friends got campaign strategy, campaign secrets, and dirt on Democratic candidates and staffers across the country. By dialing in from a foreign country at the behest of their government (perhaps even forced to by their government), the hackers involved will never be caught for it. Although if they are considered a risk to talk, they’d probably be killed and join many of their comrades long since buried six feet under Red Square. Oh, and we’ll come back to this later: Exhibit A, Murder. I wonder how many of the Russians that Mueller indicts will end up this way.
Next, hire thousands of trained spies and hackers to open thousands of fake social media accounts and post millions of surprisingly well-timed and targeted posts supporting protests, counter-protests, Trump, Black Lives Matter, Jill Stein, Bernie Sanders, and a cornucopia of fake news spreading like California wildfire in order to weaken Hillary and poison US political discourse targeting specific communities with specific elections across America over many months- a practice that is still shamefully ongoing as America’s government apparatus has pulled Lady Liberty’s panties down so that the desecration may be completed- all of it out in the open. The rest is history. Grab your popcorn. Sit back and let them go at it as the “law and order” and “tough on defense” party is literally in bed with Maria Butina and numerous other Russian spies. Divide and conquer. Make America Your Bitch Again.
Since then what we’ve had is Americans fighting Americans, at times violently. We truly hate each other, and I’m no exception when it comes to being on the giving end, and receiving end (many will respond to this with highly predictable racist guttersnipes). There was PizzaGate, outrageous claims about the Clinton Foundation, ridiculous lies about Hillary’s health, and other amplifications of false narratives that our moronic fellow countrymen fell for hook, line, and sinker. The partnership between GOP leadership and Russian intelligence was sophisticated, cold blooded, effective, and total. Democracy cannot survive after all if one of the two only major political parties falls in line behind a comically obvious foreign dictator. This is exactly what we witnessed in 2016: every major GOP politician knew what was happening, but didn’t resist because they achieved personal profit in various ways. It should come as no surprise that Paul Ryan, Turtle McConnell, Devin Nunes, Dana Rohrbacher, Lindsey Graham, Sean Hannity, Rudy Giuliani, and others are choosing treason over protecting Mueller, and the truth. They know the truth, and it ain’t at all pretty for them.
Find a self-centered, politically incorrect, gauche, small, racist, sexist, narcissistic and obsessive compulsive dime store con-man pervert with zero ethics, no shame, no morals, and an unknowable spiral of deep debts financial and otherwise owed to Mother Russia, with whom the man has had a documented unhealthy 30+ year obsession. The mentally unstable snake oil salesman wouldn’t know morality if it peed on his face. Menacingly dangle kompromat in front of him, from sex tapes and evidence of so collusion, to perhaps a recorded promise of an ugly Trump Tower in Russia, and the man will be at your command like a lapdog orangutan cross-breed willing to fellate thoroughly. Run his campaign with the help of his (somehow!) equally corruptible useful idiot family members, and silver spoon feed them illegally obtained election data and stolen files from the opposition party.
Brilliant. Plus, 2016 was also a perfect storm, with lots of other help from the American side.
In an unforgivable fit of excess integrity, President Obama did the Republicans a solid by not unilaterally and forcefully laying out all of the well-documented mischief that Trump and Russia had done together in plain sight that was lighting up the intelligence agency channels. The last duly elected President we may ever have, had every right and obligation to do so as our Commander-in-Chief. Instead of going on TV and screaming about Russian interference at the top of his lungs, Obama stayed silent as the evidence piled in, in order to be seen by the country as being above the election fray. Trump wasn’t supposed to win anyway, he must have calculated. Obama’s error in judgment has turned out to be dire and an abdication of his solemn duty to the rest of us.
The other side has no such compunctions. They are willing to beg, borrow, steal, hack, and kill to win a damn election, while the Democratic Party’s longtime voice and standard bearer would only tell Putin to “cut it out” at an international summit. Republicans ban entire nations of Muslims from entering the country, defund health care for women, encourage Nazi parades, and cage children like animals in concentration camps, while Democrats just say “cut it out” and kick out spies after it’s already too late.
The results are truly spectacular and even admirable to behold as an international social science experiment that just may erode democracy permanently. In fact the Russians are the only ones who come out looking the least bit impressive in this story.
First they had to steal the election where would-be President Hillary Clinton and other Democratic candidates were robbed of their easily winnable seats using the deadly combination of Russian collusion, WikiLeaks, Jim Comey, NRA funds funneled from abroad, Koch Bros cash and other dark money, the electoral college, gerrymandering, racist voter restriction policies, and eminently hackable election system penetration. It’s entirely unfair to have these unelected criminals foisted upon us, but here we are, and it has wounded the faith in our nation that many used to have. Cast doubt on the integrity of the electoral process– and by extension, democracy itself, so that people don’t participate in the process, which is the only way the Gutless Orwellian Party can survive. Install various Russian oligarch-wannabe Perestroika penis puppets into the halls of power, like the Trump family, Rex Tillerson, Michael Flynn, Devin Nunes, Jared Kushner, and dozens of other known and unknown traitors.
This is how we got to who we are, what we are, and where we are. A nation of loudmouth liberals on one side who are more interested in “sick burns” against #MAGAts on Twitter, and explaining to other liberals how they will never understand what it’s like to be a woman or a minority, placing premium importance on feeling good and being right than winning; and supposedly religious, racist, nativist morons on the right voting exactly opposite to their interests in an uneasy alliance with morally bankrupt billionaires and corporations, all of whom are actually more comfortable allying with invading Russian thugs than they are with fellow Americans finding out the real truth.
The strategy has worked in spades, no matter what happens from now on. Putin and his cronies have extended their dictatorial reign for at least a few more years, although the collapse will come around eventually and we are just delaying the inevitable. In the best case scenario, it will take decades to heal the rifts within America, to the point where Americans would rather unite against our common enemies rather than fight each other viciously. “Truth isn’t truth,” says the president’s lawyer and confidant, and 40% of Americans seem to be OK with that. Here’s a scary thought: there will perhaps never again be a common set of facts we can all agree on; and #FauxNews watchers will refuse to accept that the live footage of Donald Trump and his family being dragged to jail is even real, they will simply call it fake news like every other truth they dislike as they are unable to wrap their tiny brains around their white male supremacy fantasies being cruelly dragged along and dashed into the ground in an XXL orange jumpsuit.
All of this, just so that Russia could get hundreds of billions of dollars of oil and gas pumped out of the ocean with deleted sanctions from their pervert orangutan in the White House. I hope it was all worth it, America. Perhaps we just got exactly what we deserve.
Mahanth S. Joishy is Editor of usindiamonitor