EDITOR’S NOTE:

About MoNa:

I am a real human.  I live in India.  I love India and Narendra Modi (NaMo) for his vision for a clean, developed and economically vibrant India. I also love beef, pork, sex, drugs, alcohol, gambling and rock’ n roll (in no specific order).

MoNa will now take your questions!!!  Today, we have the second-ever installment of the MoNa series known as MoNa Ki Baat.  Stay tuned for more from MoNa in the near future.

***

Dear MoNa,

My late grandfather, who started my family’s business over 60 years ago, said to never show our net worth publicly, or we would be bankrupted.  So, in spite of being able to afford to drive a new BMW every year, I choose to ride a scooter around town. Myself and my cousins all work in the family business of jewellery and we are well known in our temple town. We never cheat a paying customer out of the goods purchased and our gold is the purest in a 50 KM radius. God has been kind, Gold has been Gold and our family business has flourished.

Like many, our store deals in mostly cash.  Nearly all customers pay in cash. Separately, we must pay government officials, the local Hindu temple, and an assortment of cops and “goondas” for permits, licenses, delivery rights, physical bodily protection, smooth flow of utilities, and to avoid sham investigations and inspections into our property. In fact, I have retained a broker on staff whose job is to handle these negotiations and payments, along with debt collections.  You may not be surprised to hear, he is a non-vegetarian and also black belt in karate and Silambam.

DeMo has come as a shock to the family. Our family dark room contains briefcases full of cash and an assortment of other valuables.  One of the reasons we have survived in business so long is by hiding our stockpiles of cash from the bankers, who are all sharing the bed with politicians, bureaucrats, and the assortment of cops and “goondas” in my town who would expect my payments to increase to unsustainable levels beyond the legal taxes.

B.Com is not preparing us for this!  Please provide the needful guidance, whatever you think is best.

– Satya Satyanarayanan, Undisclosed location, SOUTH INDIA

***

Dear Satya,

Your dad should have named you Suppandi. You have done everything wrong other than being in the business of Gold, but, since that was your grandfather’s doing, you can’t even take credit for that, Suppandi.

Here’s what you do –

1. Throw a party with non-vegetarian food, dancing girls and alcohol – invite the assortment of goondas, bureaucrats, cops, politicians and bankers from your town. You will be surprised at the solutions that will emerge in the presence of permissive girls and alcohol. Your current problems will vanish and your business will flourish to greater heights than your grandfather ever dreamed of. Word of caution though – keep away from taking too many loans from your new found banker friends. I will connect you with my friend Vijay Mallya for advice on how to navigate that maze whenever you feel overwhelmed.

2. Once your new found friends get you out of your current pickle, change your lifestyle. Buy things, get girlfriends, make assorted chinna veedus, go on foreign vacations and spend your money. You might be right about not spending on that BMW, though. Dipa Karmakar can vouch for the parking and driving problems with a 5 series in small towns

3. If all else fails, have your Silambam fellow secretly take photos and videos at the parties, using great precautions to keep the camera hidden, so that your “black” problem can conveniently become someone else’s “black-mail” problem.

Word of caution on your new life and a new set of creatures you will see called MBAs who will try to sell you on a concept called “cashless”. Make them believe that you are in awe of their brilliance and maybe even invest in their businesses which they call “fintech”. But, you keep your business the way it is. You can tell who your real friends, customers and associates are when they say – “Cash only, please”. Your real real friends will say – “US Dollars or Swiss Francs only, please”.

All the best, my dear Suppandi. I am available for that party and will collect my attendance fee in gold only, please.  The hidden cameras are only active up until I arrive, fashionably late of course. 😉

—MoNa